I for one am glad that things are getting back to normal and we can all get back in our cars and make up for lost time. It’s bad enough that police have been enforcing speed limits during this period, wasting their time when they could be investigating real crimes like the massive accounting fraud I committed last year. The gloriously empty roads were perfect for testing out the limits of grip and practicing handbrake turns – or they would be, if not for the bloody walkers and cyclists all over the place, getting in the way and pointing at things. Where did they get the idea that they somehow have the right to space on my roads where I drive my car? Do they pay road tax? 

Caught a snippet of that Springwatch programme on the biased BBC the other day. Gushing about how wildlife was booming, and it had been the most extraordinary spring for hundreds of years, since before the industrial revolution. That’s right, I thought, the place will be swarming with bloody animals, and we need to control their numbers by killing a few of them on the roads. Managed to hit a rabbit the other night, but there are many more yet to be killed. They breed like rabbits, you know.

I noticed that the local primary school has been painting yellow lines on the road and pavement. What’s that about? As I often tell my wife when I’m parking up, I’m colour blind when it comes to yellow! Yellow lines are for the little people. I park there if the disabled spaces are full. If I leave my car there, what are you proposing to do about it? And don’t ask me to park further away and have Charlie walk to school. Haven’t got time for your nonsense, I’m afraid. Places to go, people to see, busy busy busy. So just let me drop the child off and be on my way, thank you very much.

All these pedestrians, strolling around, getting in the way, complaining about not having enough space. I tell you, if you had a bit more get up and go, you might be able to afford a car. Or four cars, like me. So why don’t you stop complaining and go and get a proper job?

It’s Happy Monday! Time to get back to normal, start burning up some hydrocarbons and putting some haze in the sky again. What? Pollution? It’s good for you! Builds resilience.

Can’t wait to get rid of the kids so I can play more golf.